SUNDAE 13th SEPTET 2009 (the day the Footo blog started!)
Prior to performing at a golfing club, I decided to play around. As I prepared to pee off at the first hole, I was distressed to read of all the rules that apply to golf. I am still attempting to memorize them.
My face beams with pride upon getting a hole in one at all eighteen holes of the course - a course record!
They are funny people these golfers!
MOONDAY 14th SEPTET 2009
This afterballoon, I was cock-a-hoop to discover this supersonic super moist cake mixture within my home.
TUNESDAY 15th SEPTET 2009
I pick stinging nettles for my din dins.
WRENSDAY 16th SEPTET 2009
A snack prior to my show (homo made). The secret of cooking cabbage is to burn it quite a bit and cook it with onions and oil and butter and 'erbs and no water.
THIRSTY 17th SEPTET 2009
On the way to a show in Sheffield, I spied this tram with an unusual destination upon it. The man in the foregrime is Gareth, a fellow comedian of the world.
The empty theatre, prior to the arrival of a lot of audiences. On stage can be seen various amateurs, such as Trevor Lock, performing sound checks.
After the show in Sheffield, with Connoisseur Sam.
On the way home, T Lock, Gareth and I popped into a service station for a delicious picnic at 2am.
FLYDAY 18th SEPTET 2009
A soup I created. It is limb of lamb soup with egg inside (my own recipe). It is the sort of haute cuisine one eats in Michelin-starred restaurants, but at a fraction of the price.
My face is flush with pride at my creation.
SATURNDAY 19th SEPTET 2009
I rise at the ludicrous hour aof 7.20am to give an interview for BBC Wireless London. Here, I am pictured outside Broadcasting House. As you can see, I am still in shock from my early rise.
This evensong, I performed two (two) shows - one in Bromley, the other in central London Towne. Here, I am pictured en route from one to the other.
SUNDAE 20th SEPTET 2009
A rare footo of my stockpile of Christmas puddings. I have nine remaining. They are from last year and they must be eaten by February 2010. I love Christmas pudding. In this footo, you can also see my shoe.
MOONDAY 21st SEPTET 2009
I went to London Towne to do the Old Rope Comedy Club. I travelled home on the luxurious Chiltern Turbo steam railway train, which goes to the shires.
TUNESDAY 22nd SEPTET 2009
En route to Jersey, I discovered this staggeringly useful installation in the toilets at the aerodrome.
This poorly-exposed foto shows me with comedian, Wayne of Jersey at the island's capital, St Helter Skelter.
I sit down to dine during my one-day holly day on Jersey. In the background can be seen Carrie of BBC Wireless Jersey and various Channel Island homosexuals.
This lobster was swimming about off the coast of Jersey earlier in the day. He is pictured here with his two friends Jenny and Stephen, the giant prawns.
WRENSDAY 23rd SEPTET 2009
Shot (I mean footographed - I did not kill it!) from far off, this is an image of a red squirrel upon Jersey.
I slip in a terrible accident on an excessively steep slope outside my 'otel in Jersey. The establishment was primarily aimed at the older market (ie people of over 100 years of age).
A shockingly informal engraving upon a bench near St Roulade's Bay in the Balliwick de Jersey.
Another casual inscription.
My luncheon. This course was preceded by a dozen oysters and succeeded by sorbets.
After luncheon, the champagne went to my head and I went crazy with a dangerous weapon.
Enjoying a stroll 'neath the moon, prior to my show at the Jersey Opera House.
THIRSTY 24th SEPTET 2009
On Jersey, when the speak about "The North", they mean about two miles up the road.
Things are very funny in this tax haven. Normal Barclays shops on the mainland are just called Barclays, but here they have a more opulent name.
It's not often you get to see a Ford Ghia, so I took this foto. Sorry that the background of the picture is ruined by the common or garden amphibious landing craft.
I decided to walk to the aerodrome. On the way, I spotted these steps which lead to Atlantis.
On my way to the aerodrome.
FLYDAY 25th SEPTET 2009
Prior to my show at the Soho Theatre. In the background can be seen a cameraman and various other busybodies.
SATURNDAY 26th SEPTET 2009
After the show, I relax with some connoisseurs, including Connoisseur Leon and Connoisseur Justin and their wives.
In this foto, I show my love for Connoisseur Justin. Connoisseur Leon looks on, enviously.
SUNDAE 27th SEPTET 2009
With my friend Fearne.
MOONDAY 28th SEPTET 2009
At a show, I was disturbed to see this sign upon a door. I wish I could pass through this portal. If any of you are non-comedians, please get in touch and tell me what is through here.
TUNESDAY 29th SEPTET 2009
Today, I spied my brother, Ralph, upon his unicycle.
WRENSDAY 30th SEPTET 2009
This was taken on the tubes. I discovered this strange sign upon a secret door at South Kensington tubes station. What does it mean? Who are these people and what do they do?
THIRSTY 1st OCTOPUS 2009
Today I was spotted by myself down at the local farm, buying potatoes. I can be seen here in the genuine countryside.
Later, I visited the big smoke. Here, I am spotted with some audiences after my show in the Square of Leicester, which is in London Town.
FLYDAY 2nd OCTOPUS 2009
Aboard the Chiltern Turbo, on my way to the Soho Theatre to perform my show.
SATURNDAY 3rd OCTOPUS 2009
Having forgotten to footograph my Soho Theatre show, I became determined to capture my second show of the evensong: at the Chuckle Club. However, my picture is pointless, as the camera flash did not light up the audience (we can only see host, Eugene Cheese faintly in the background on stage). Then, a man walked past me, just as I was taking the footograph. Luckily, this means there is now something to look at in the picture, rendering the shot unpointless, after all.
My third audience of the knight.
SUNDAE 4th OCTOPUS 2009
Today, I reminisced about last knight, by gazing at this footo of 99 Club Oxford Circus (where I am resident headliner) host Matt Rudge performing his humour.
MOONDAY 5th OCTOPUS 2009
I prepare to go boating in Hertfordshire.
I contemplate a life at sea.
I raise the bridge that will allow my ship to quit the marina.
I am given the controls of the ship and am all agog as I attempt to control the vessel upon the waves.
I get my sea legs and confidently command the ship.
I prepare to open a lock with my lock key.
I heave the mighty machinery.
I risk my life to save the Grand Union Canal from flooding.
I eat a quick snack at the water's edge.
Aboard the train from Apsley to London Town.
After my second show of the knight, with Connoisseur Matt and Connoisseur Sam.
The stage upon which I performed. I am no longer on stage. Instead Tony Law and other amateurs ponce about.
TUNESDAY 6th OCTOPUS 2009
I created this delicious supper of gourd bake, served on a couch of noodles.
WRENSDAY 7th OCTOPUS 2009
I visit Nanna Foot.
I arrive to do a show in a school. Prior to performing, I conducted a brief lesson about nothing.
With host of the show, James Redmond. We may look as though we are married, but in fact we are not. We did consider it, though, but immediately decided against it.
THIRSTY 8th OCTOPUS 2009
I present my show and pondcast.
My Footcast guests, O Raison, J Domet and Claudia Zzzz.
FLYDAY 9th OCTOPUS 2009
Everything I require for a late-night admin / relaxation session. From left to right: homo-made gourd bake, red whine, healing spring waters, tomato juice cocktail, remote control for Medium DVD box set, blackcurrant
SATURNDAY 10th OCTOPUS 2009
On my way home I spotted an unusual sign - which describes my job!
SUNDAE 11th OCTOPUS 2009
Some delicious homo-made broad bean pod(cast) and chicken soup. I fashioned it by boiling up a chicken carcase to buggery and combining it with essence of broad bean, spices and 'erbs.
MOONDAY 12th OCTOPUS 2009
A glimpse of my prized cactus collection. They are named (left to right) Jennifer, Diane and Parker. Two of them (Diane and Parker) are deadish.
TUNESDAY 13th OCTOPUS 2009
Big Mama, an artificial birthing chamber, which I keep in my home. The skeleton is nothing to do with Big Mama. She is kept there as a reminder of my mortality and her name is Madame Skeleton.
WRENSDAY 14th OCTOPUS 2009
With the post ladies and gentlemen being on strike and whatnot, I have decided to move towards a post-free life, starting with getting rid of these stupid letters from Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs. These include the staggeringly dull Employer's Bulletin and an irrelevant massage I received from them recently concerning a job I did 12 year ago, prior to becoming a professionale man of humours.
THIRSTY 15th OCTOPUS 2009
After my show in Leicester Square with Ben, who is a marketeer. A few minutes earlier, George Clooney was in this spot, following a film premiere. Luckily, we later created some much-needed glamour.
FLYDAY 16th OCTOPUS 2009
At my second show, I met two new connoisseurs. They saw me at a show just one third of a moon ago in Maida Vale and are now confirmed Guild members. They bowed to me (according to Guild etiquette) and I bowed back. Connoisseurs like this are my life blood.
SUNDAE 18th OCTOPUS 2009
A view of stunning Coventry, where I arrived for a day out.
Outside the 16th Century Alms House - possibly the only nyce thing in Coventry.
Sexist no'sense discovered within Ye Olde Alms House.
My friend Mark, in the ruins of Coventry's Olde Cathedral (ruined by a bombe during the War). I have known Mark for 16 year. He is an scholar.
Me in front of the steeple of Ye Olde Broken Cathedral.
We ascended the spire. Handy maps at the top give a guide to the stunning view of Coventry's highlights - including Primark and IKEA!
The beauty of Coventry (apparently, it looked even worse before the Fuhrer bombed it).
I contemplate a Christmas at this Coventry beauty spot (it's probably actually quite nyce - we deliberately took a footo at an angle that made it look as grotty as posssible).
A Virgin Atlantic train, similar* to the one on which I voyaged. I like these exotique trains taking idiosyncratic routes - like Bournemouth to Inverness via All Round the Houses.
*Equipment may vary.
Another exotique engine.
MOONDAY 19th OCTOPUS 2009
At the Old Grope (sick), I conversed with fellow jokers Benny Boot (left) and Chris Martin (left).
TUNESDAY 20th OCTOPUS 2009
At a show, I encountered funny turn Angelos Epithemious.
At the show with Connoisseur Haydn (famous classical composer)
WRENSDAY 21st OCTOPUS 2009
Prior to a show on the South Coast of England, I dipped in to see Nanna Foot. Here I am pictured outside the Gaming Room, where we enjoyed a match of whist.
THIRSTY 22nd OCTOPUS 2009
In a sandwich shop, I was in shocks to see this sign. It sounds very cruel to kill the tuna by hitting it with a pole. And very unpleasant for the Polish person as well.
FLYDAY 23rd OCTOPUS 2009
At a show in Basingstoke, I embraced fellow jester Paddy Lennox.
With Connoisseur D Hare
With a lady and gentleman from the audience.
SATURNDAY 24th OCTOPUS 2009
The view as I drove home along a tiny country lane, after doing two (two) shows.
SUNDAE 25th OCTOPUS 2009
At a recording session of my Footcasts, M Simmons and Claudia Zzz enjoy some hallowe'en snacks i bought them.
A close-up of Mr and Mrs Skeleton.
MOONDAY 26th OCTOPUS 2009
At my second (second) show, I chanced upon these myriad connoisseurs. They are goode men.
TUNESDAY 27th OCTOPUS 2009
Today, I was afflicted by the common or garden cold and so I prepared myself some healing and comforting "Egg in glass"
Recipe: combine in a glass finely-ripped soft bread, mustard, Hereford and Worcestershire Sauce and pepper. In a pan, place an egg in water and put on the gas. In another pan, melt some butter and briefly fry some chopped garlic. Boil the egg for one minute. Add the butter and garlic and the contents of the not-very-cooked egg to the glass and stir all round and then eat it!
WRENSDAY 28th OCTOPUS 2009
I relax with a late-night light admin, pear, emmental, crystallized ginger, fudge and Medium on DVD session.
THIRSTY 29th OCTOPUS 2009
At the 99 Club, I raid the cash box backstage, prior to being escorted out by security.
FLYDAY 30th OCTOPUS 2009
My din dins: Papua New Guinea fowl with mash, Jerusalem Holy City artichokes, cauliflour with breadcrumbs, cranberry sauce and champagne.
SATURNDAY 31st OCTOPUS 2009
At Marylebone station, on my way homo, I was in shocks to meet a man whom looks identical to me (apparently).
SUNDAE 1st NOVELLA 2009
I feed a swan
MOONDAY 2nd NOVELLA 2009
With Adam Buxton and Tom Basden from last week
TUNESDAY 3rd NOVELLA 2009
A spectacular single-track country lane near my homo.
THIRSTY 4th NOVELLA 2009
Today I attended the funeral of my dear friend, Richard Elkan, who was a comedian. He was 80 years old.
Richard used to perform a brilliant character act called Norby West.
Accompanied by his family, Richard's comedian friends stood round his coffin and told stories of our much-missed comrade. Then we lowered him into the ground in a wood. He will have a tree planted above him to mark his life. God dress you, Richard.
The comedy mourners: Vicky de Lacy, aka Mrs Brian Damage; Brian Higgins; Ivan Steward; Brian Damage aka Mr Vicky de Lacy; President Mr Paul Foot; Tony Green.
Richard Elkan 1929-2009
THIRSTY 5th NOVELLA 2009
I did a show in London tonight. I did not Footograph it though. Instead, I reminisced about last week's meeting of the Brighton Supper Club with the bois from the Noise Next Door improv troupe. From left to right: the ghost of Sam, naughty Sam, President Mr Paul Foot (Supper Club Vice-President), beautiful little Tom, big strong Tom, funny Charlie (Supper Club President)
FLYDAY 6th NOVELLA 2009
I bought this delicious squirty cream. The can shows a cookie with a cream design upon it. Somehow, it reminds me of the Black and White Minstrel Show and inadvertently seems slightly racist.
SATURNDAY 7th NOVELLA 2009
At my second (second) show of the evensong with Kevin Eldon (famous), a musician called Nev (famous (I do not know how, though, as I know nothing of musique after about 1959)), Simon Munnery (famous).
At my third (third) show of the knight at the Wheatsheaf with Connoisseur Elana and a gentleman connoisseur.
SUNDAE 8th NOVELLA 2009
I visited my friends Joanna and Ray in Brentford and they gave me a roasted Sundae lynching.
MOONDAY 9th NOVELLA 2009
On my way homo from a show, I was in shocks to see this luggage trolley, still in use at Marylebone Steam Railway Station. I suppose it must be because Marylebone is very olde fashioned and all the gentlemen on the Chiltern trains wear top hats and Queen Victoria's ghost is often seen outside John Menzies.
TUNESDAY 10th NOVELLA 2009
Today, I visited Nanna Foot and attended a whist drive. I entered a raffle and later was asked to draw a ticket from the hat. Luckily, the ticket was mine and I won first prize which was a bowl of fruit (bowl not included)!
WRENSDAY 11th NOVELLA 2009
Some broad bean soup for my supper. Recipe: boil some broad beans and their pods to buggery. Season to taste.
THIRSTY 12th NOVELLA 2009
The big metal bird that flew me to the Chanel Islands.
With fellow comedians James Redmond and Dave Thompson.
FLYDAY 13th NOVELLA 2009
After the show with denizens of Guernsey, Scottish Peter and David.
SATURNDAY 14th NOVELLA 2009
At the south-westerly extreme of Guernsey, during a very fierce storm.
SUNDAE 15th NOVELLA 2009
Some celery sorbet I made as a palate cleanser.
MOONDAY 16th NOVELLA 2009
A flashback to a recent show at which I became possessed on stage by the spirit of a dead, kindly doggy. After the show, I am comforted by my owner, Connoisseur Maud.
The doggy attacks naughty Connoisseur Stuart.
TUNESDAY 17th NOVELLA 2009
I prepared myself a few sandwiches at teatide.
WRENSDAY 18th NOVELLA 2009
A public luncheon with Nanna Foot.
After my show in Southampton, with naughty Ross.
THIRSTY 19th NOVELLA 2009
I did a show in London. Whilst there, thoughts strayed to the host of my regular show on Saturndays at the Wheatsheaf and I created this Footo in my imagination.
FLYDAY 20th NOVELLA 2009
For my din-dins, I created this boeuf bourguignon. Recipe: cook some beef to buggery in a red wine sauce with mushrooms, shallots and carrots and that.
SATURNDAY 21st NOVELLA 2009
Prior to a show, I popped in to the birthing day party of Connoisseur Mr Gee in order to act as quizmaster and scorer in Mr and Mrs Gee's musical quiz soirée. Connoisseuress Mrs G is dressed as Mikhail Jackson and Mr Gee as rapper M 'n' M
SUNDAE 22nd NOVELLA 2009
Afore leaving for a show, I made myself this nyce chicken, quail, celery and onion soup.
MOONDAY 23rd NOVELLA 2009
On my way into London on an empty Chiltern Turbo steam railway train. It is good to have this mighty turbo-charged vessel to oneself.
TUNESDAY 24th NOVELLA 2009
At Norwich Arts Centre with Dan McKee and Tom of Norwich. My arm looks like it is in a sling, but luckily it is uninjured.
WRENSDAY 25th NOVELLA 2009
At a show, in the dressing room, I identified a bag which I thought contained drugs! However, discussions revealed it was actually Ryvita crumbs. It seems showbusiness is not as rock 'n' roll as it once was.
THIRSTY 26th NOVELLA 2009
At ye olde railway station, I met a fellow footo blogger. His name is called Ben and he collects fotos of people with a rubber chicken. Ye can see his pictures at Pluck Wuck.
FLYDAY 27th NOVELLA 2009
On my way homo after visiting my cousin and cousin-in-law, I decided to set my satellite navigation machine to the shortest route, rather than the quickest. Instead, of the boring M3 and M25, it took me on a most fascinating journey along single-track lanes, past rabbits, rabbis, fawn and fauna. At one stage it directed me to cross a ford. It is not often that occurs. Unfortunately, as ye can see the waters were too high and my Jesus levitating powers were below par, so I had to go another way, much to my machine's annoyance.
SATURNDAY 28th NOVELLA 2009
A cake that a lady made. It was extremely moist. Even if it hadn't been, I would have still said it was, out of politeness and a desire not to destroy the woman.
SUNDAE 29th NOVELLA 2009
With Simon Amstell at his thirty-noughth birthing day party.
With a nyce lady called Miriam, whom is an artist.
MOONDAY 30th NOVELLA 2009
On the tubes, returning from some shows, I bumped into a man called Connoisseur Robert, who is a worker.
TUNESDAY 1st DECADENCE 2009
Whilst researching a holly day to Belgium, I found this information about an 'otel - which caters for a very specific range of guests.
WRENSDAY 2nd DECADENCE 2009
Prior to a show, I met up with my friend Celia and ate this Far Eastern (on the Central Line) supper.
THIRSTY 3rd DECADENCE 2009
After my show in Leicestershire Square with some men from Old Zealand.
FLYDAY 4th DECADENCE 2009
A tree near my house with nyce Christmas lights upon it.
The same Footo, except with flash used.
SATURNDAY 5th DECADENCE 2009
Between shows with Connoisseur Christopher.
SUNDAE 7th DECADENCE 2009
A memory of Saturnday knight, with the Ian from Cornwall and Chris from England.
MOONDAY 7th DECADENCE 2009
I popped round to comedian Mandy Knight's house and she knocked up this smoked haddock and spring onion omelette with samphire, watercress, roast potatoes, aged (ie past its sell-by-date) parmesan and peppercorn infusion (ie some pepper sprinkled over).
TUNESDAY 8th DECADENCE 2009
A funny misshapen egg in my fridge, laid by a funny hen, on top of some smoked salmon (not laid by the hen).
WRENSDAY 9th DECADENCE 2009
A flashback to the past and a Footo of me with Uncle Andy of Guernsey.
THIRSTY 10th DECADENCE 2009
Some sago pudding with japonica puree for my luncheon.
FLYDAY 11th DECADENCE 2009
I prepared myself some steak with lamb and duck sausages and a kind of blood pudding (homo-made) for my supper.
SATURNDAY 12th DECADENCE 2009
Me and Connoisseur Trainee Comedian Joe.
SUNDAE 13th DECADENCE 2009
Sundae lunch in Hull with Martin of Hull and Mel of Hull (behind the camera).
After my show, with Connoisseur Dean.
MOONDAY 14th DECADENCE2009
The beauty of East Midlands Parkway railway station.
After my secret show. From middle to right to left: Connoisser Leon, Connoisseur Justin, Connoisseur Ossy Frigate-Smythe-Fortescue-Twitter
TUNESDAY 15th DECADENCE 2009
After a show, with Connoisseur Paulina
WRENSDAY 16th DECADENCE 2009
At Dobbies Garden Centre in Shepton Mullet, I was treated to a musical recital.
A beautiful fishy I met at the garden centre.
In Santa's grotto, I met this nyce caribou, named Rudolph. I was initially nervous that he would bite me or betray me.
I tame and befriend the beast.
THIRSTY 17th DECADENCE 2009
Outside Ston Easton posh country house in Somerset, where I ate my luncheon.
FLYDAY 18th DECADENCE 2009
Fancy a seat?
SATURNDAY 19th DECADENCE 2009
Between shows, with some audience elves whom destroyed my career.
SUNDAE 20th DECADENCE 2009
Whilst down the tubes, I saw this sign. I could not wait to see what special train was about to arrive.
This was what arrived. We were not even allowed to get on. I do not think it is all that special. I think unusual would be a better description.
What the sign should have looked like.
MOONDAY 21st DECADENCE 2009
I formally (and also informally) declare my secret show open.
A nyce cake given to be by Connoisseurs Paulina and Simon. I also received a homo-made Yuletide pudding from Connoisseur Fiona.
I also received this embrace from Connoisseur Chris.
TUNESDAY 22nd DECADENCE 2009
Today, I was ills with the colds, so I absorbed this healing plate of game stew.
WRENSDAY 23rd DECADENCE 2009
I today solved the cryptique crossword puzzle from Moonday's Evensong Standard newspaper. This is the first thyme I have ever completed such a puzzle. I have been training for weeks.
PRESIDENT'S DAY 24th DECADENCE 2009
My goode friend Mark with his copy of my birthing day luncheon menu.
After a French salade starter, Cauliflower was served, accompanied by salmon and not many of the trimmings.
A palate cleanser of celery sorbet was served. I upheld an annual tradition (just invented) that I wear an Arsenal hat (which I found on the tubes - I do not in fact support Arsenal (nor do I oppose them - I am neutral with regard to all the footballs)) throughout the birthing day luncheon, until such time as we repair.
The pudding (of trifle) was adorned with one choice from these decorations, which past their sell-by-date in 1997. In the background are hundreds and thousands which achieved this feat in 1995 and 1993. In an annual tradition going back two decades, just one decoration is used each year. Then they are carefully stored until next year. The smarties in the foreground are 14 years old. As they shall not be used until all the green and red and silver decorations are gone (just one at a time, of course), the smarties will not be finished until I am 86!
The occasion reaches its inevitable cake-based climax.
CHRIST'S DAY 25th DECADENCE 2009
I ate this meal today to celebrate the birth of a man who may or may not have been borne around 2009 year ago (almost certainly not on 25th Decadence, though) and may or may not have had God as his daddy, depending which religion you believe, if any.
THE DAY OF BOXES, 26th DECADENCE 2009
Today, I had a vision of myself with St Nicholas.
SUNDAE 27th DECADENCE 2009
Today, I had a vision of myself as a woman.
MOONDAY 28th DECADENCE 2009
Backstage frolics in Peterborough with comedians Tom Rosenthal and Reese (misspelt).
What someone saw in a corridor
The silliness ceases and Tom and Reese (mis-pelt) Jones settle down to hear a showbusiness anecdote from their hero.
TUNESDAY 29th DECADENCE 2009
A very artistic Footo of me and Reese (mis-spent) Jones, which probably should win an award.
A delicious late-knight snack at Toddington Services on the M1, with Reese (miss), Tom (Footographer) and Patch Hyde.
WRENSDAY 30th DECADENCE 2009
The final daze of the year are a chance for me to reminisce about some of the year's highlights. Here I am pictured, having fun at a party.
THIRSTY 31st DECADENCE 2009
An unwelcome memory of when I was forced to act as a slave for tragic loser, Matt Trudge.
On one occasion, I was forced to sweep outside for so long that I became extremely cold.
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